No Mitte ei saa aru kuidas sai Jaanuarist Detsember nii kiiresti? Kuid kui tagasi hakata motlema, siis see aasta oli yks hullemaid ja tegusavamaid aastaid me elus.   Palju juhutus. Vaga, vaga palju.

Lootes Reginat  vahist paasta  , siis esimesed 7 kuud moodusid haiglaseinte vahel.  Operatsioonid, keemia, Gamma knife kiiritus. Rohud, muud spetsialistid..   Magamatta ood,  ykskoiksus muu maailma ja inimeste suhtes, petmised.    Nii vaga oleks tahtnud et VEEL rohkem oleks saanud teha.   ( JA, palun, arge tulge ytlema, et oleksid jumala poole poordunud, siis Regina oleks elus… SEe on teie too kes seda rohkem usuvad ).

Sel aastal me eriti ei kaunistanud oma maja ara. On kyll kaks vaikest kunst kuusekest– Yks Gabrieli ja Teine Regina oma. Gabriel ehtis molemad kuused Samuti panin oma jouluvanade kollektsiooni mooda maja laiali. Aastatega on nii mitugi jouluvana kogunenud.  Ning ka kamina peal rippuvad meie koigi  “Sukad”.   Riputasin ikkagi neli neist yles. Mitte kohe ei suutnud Regina Cinderella Roosat sukakest yles riputamata jatta

Kuigi ajad pole just materiaalselt koige kergemad hetkel,  otsustasime siiski et   PEAME sel aastal Eestis ara kaima.   Gabriel ja Mina veedame  pea kolm nadalat eestis Tallinna jouame 18stkymnendal ja tagasi CAsse soidame  7ndal Jaanuaril

Gabriel on super excited. Tema teab mis ta tahab, ja   ei joua ara oodata mis saab LASTEVORSTI  ja suitsuvorsti syya. irv.

Mina aga.. Ma ei ytle et ma kardaks, lihtsalt hirm on naha kohtades Kus Regina astus  TEDA.  Ta naeratust, poodides kus ta kais, kohvikutes kus me istusime, restoranides kus ta keeldus toitu soomast, kuna toit maitses halvasti. hehe…

No ma ka tegelikult ei oska oelda, kui lihtne voi keeruline mul see Eesti reis sel aastal tuleb.:)

Kui arvad mind tanavapildis ara tundvat, tule astu ligi ja ytle tere :):)

Soovin teile koikidele ilusat Pyhadohooaega

di

:):):)

Olen pikalt moelnud kas jatkan oma blogiga voi mitte. Mitte et mul millestki kirjutada poleks. ON, paljust on, iga paev on . Isegi oosel on.  Kuid tunnen vahetevahel et koorman koiki oma Bullsihit’iga. Ma tean et igal lugejal on oigus   siia mitte tulla, kuid vahetevahel ikka eksib keegi siia ara  keegi kes ei saa aru minust, voi miks ma pean nii negatiivne vahel olema.   Ytlen ausalt. Ma pole negatiivne vaid siin blogis. Olen nii monelegi inimesele otse haiget teinud. SOnadega, tegudega.. Mis iganes.  Ma ei saa nende ees vabandada ,  saan vaid oelda. Yritan et jargmine kord ma pole nii hull… Noogutan vaid kaasa? KUID KAS see on ka oige???  SEe on see kuramuse Toe/vale suhe.

Yldiselt laheb meil hetkel vaga hasti.  Gabriel on super tubli. Ausona noh, vahel  tal on oma evil hetked, kuid ta saab aru , et keegi ei tegele temaga kui ta  halvasti  kaitub Koolis laheb tal ka vaga hasti ning on super kaaslane oma klassikaaslastele . Ta on ka  vaheke kontrolliv, — just like his MOmmy, kuid  vahel on see taitsa oluline.  Gabrielile meeldib arutada maailma probleemide yle. hetkel on meil aktuaalne teema Gay/lesbian ja miks kuidas . ja kas Emme ikka ei saaks ka “tydruk” sopra omada, et Issist lahti saada, kuna Issi sunnib liiga palju klaverit mangima… IRV.. Vahel ma kohe naeran kovasti ta argumentide ja soovituste yle :):):)

Gabriel on samuti vaga suur Minu ja Nicki austaja Tema jaoks Mommy +Daddy  vordub Armastus.  Ja ta kaseb mul alati peale matemaatika ylesannete loppu kysida ” MOM, Please ask what Mommy+daddy equals …

Ja selle juurest hyppan siis kiiresti Minu ja Nicki juurde.  Nick oli suur MESS kui ta Hiinast tagasi tuli. Iga oised  tundidepikkused nutumaratonid.  Ta ei suutnud yltse enam oosel magada. Ja ta ei tahtnud ka minuga raakida. Sain ta niikaugele , et ta hakkas minuga raakima. Ennast avama Regina suhtes.  Ma lubasin et ma ei avalda tema motteid tundeid blogides… Regina juurest liikus jututeema MINU JA NICKINI.  Kuigi nick ytles paar kuud tagasi et OK Diana, teeme Mis sa tahad, yritame uuesti. Siis viimane kord hiinast tagasi tulles oli tal meel muudetud ja ta ei tahtnud meiega edasi minna. Ta oli segaduses….

Viimased kaks nadalat istusime oosel kuni kella 1he, kaheni yleval , lihtsalt raakides. Mis on tema vead, mis ma arvan on minu vead, MIS ma arvan on TEMA vead ja MIS TEMA arvab on minu vead.  Ja kus me valesti laksime, mida valesti tegime… Raakisime, nutsime, vaikisime.. Kuid  kahe viimase nadala jooksul oppisime yksteist taas tundma.   2 paeva Enne seda kui Ta hiina tagasi laks,  leppisime kokku, et  meie 28ndal Detsembri 11stkymnes pulmaaastapaev jaab meie Esimeseks ning ka Viimaseks PUlmaaastapaevaks mille me lahus oleme :):):):). Me koik oleme super happid et yritasime yle vaadata oma vigadest, yle vaadata draamast mis mina korraldasin, draamast mis tema korraldas.  Me   tahame koos edasi minna ja koos vanaks kasvada KUID , see tuleb vaikese hinnaga… Kahjuks :.. Voib nii juhtuda et Umbes aasta parast kolime me koik Hiina. SEe on vaheke Extreme situatsioon, kuid  nyyd olen ma selleks valmis Isegi loodan et varsti , varsti.. 

Ja niipalju siis  elust Ilusas South County  piirkonnas..  Tanupyhad seljataga Ilusad tanupyhad olid :):) Olin tanulik koigile teile kes mind toetanud on nii yhel kui teisel moel.   Tean et ei suuda teile koigile kunagi tagasi tasuda, kuid  AITAH ET OLETE OLEMAS  OLNUD :)

2 kuud.

Aeg on vaga kiiresti moodunud. Kartsin, et  kogu selle aja kain ringi udus, ja nutan paevad labi, ja ei taha oma voodit jatta.  Kartsin, mis ma endale teha voin. Kuid einam ei karda. On kyll toimunud tundide pikkused nutumaratonid, kuid seda just rohkem isekatel pohjustel. Taas ikka need.. OMG, Kes mul nyyd siis aitab ounapirikut valmistada?  VOi, et  uus Nintendo DS mang on just poes myygil ja peaks selle Reginale ostma…. kuid juba poole motte pealt kisun endal juukseid kahe kaega peast valja, et miks kurat ma ikka veel nii motlen. Ja ysna tihti kysitakse, kui Ma Gabrieliga kusagil olen, – kas Gabriel on my ainus laps. Tavaliselt ytlen et ei , mul on ka Igavesti 10ne aastane tytar Regina,  MOnikord saadakse sellst aru, kuid monikord kysitakse ikka edasi, kuidas nad labi saavad…  Kuid siis vastan et , Regina suri 2 kuud tagasi….:(

HOmmikuti arkan tavaliselt 6.30 nyyd.   Leian endale paeva jooksul tegevust. Nii palju kui voimalik, kuid vahel lihtsalt istun taielikus vaikuses tundide viisi. LIHTSALT kuulan haali, kriikse, koerte haukumist, lindude laulu jnee. Vahel aga panen MUUSIKA pohja ja laulan kova haalega kaasa. Mul on mix CD mida ma autos kogu aeg kuulan. Josh groban, vittario, feist, amy macdonald, Owl City, Beyonce, eric clapton, celine dion, billy joel, ja paljud teised…

 

Gabriel on super tubli Tal on omad momendid, kus ta ei oska oma tundeid kuidagi kontorllida ja vahel lihtne EI ajab ta endast vaga vaga valja.. Kuid enamuse ajast on ta vaga abivalmis ja tubli 8 aastane, kes on pidanud enamuse oma elust elama oma oe varjus. Nyyd on Gabrieli aeg sarada

Nick ja Mina … 5 aastat  sellest 11stkymnest aastast  oli meie elu pohiliselt Reginale suunatud. Mehe ja naise kohustused jaid tagaplaanile ja Regina ning Gabriel , ning Raha esiplaanile, ja tanu sellele  kannatas ka meie abielu. Me saime kyll enamuse ajast vaga hasti labi, kuid elasime nagu roommates.. Tegime molemad asju mis ei kannata kirjamusta…KUID, oeme raakinud  oma headest kylgedest, oma mustadest tumedatest rapastest kylgedest. MIS me teha saaks et taas edasi koos minna ja me molemad leiame et PEAME MOLEMAD midagi muutma.. Nick muidugi on suuuuuure ( egoga), ega ma ise ka vaikesemaga pole, ning temal see TEMA vigade tunnistamine ei tule just vaga kiiresti ja kergelt. Kuid iga paev avab ta end rohkem ja rohkem, ning ma kohe naudin meie ohtusi tundidepikkusi  vestlusi. Vahel on kyll tahtmine talle tooliga vastu selga panna,et YOU*(&(*^&*^%&$&*(&)*(&^*()_(&^*()+(&, kuid hingan sygavalt sisse ja ytlen endale  ” RAHU AINULT RAHU”, mehed on teiselt planeedilt. Ja seda eriti just Electronics engineerid kellel on Ph.D…

Tanupyhad saabumas. AAHHH. SEl aastal ei tee ma kalkunit. EI TEE MIDAGI. Laheme Gabrieli parema sobra poole tanupyhasid veetma.  Ootan.. Joulud varsti tulekul.. Eks nais mis saama hakkab. Kuid tean et sel aastal ei tule joulud just lihtsamate vallast

:D

Meil laheb taitsa hasti/ Asjatame siin Gabrieliga kyll yhte siis teistmoodi. Enam me pole nii nutused kui nadal tagasi.

Halloween oli toesti raske aeg meil.  Yks Regina lemmik yritustest. Igal aastal ta teadis tapselt kes ta olla tahab, ja alti olid selleks kas Noidad voi printsessid.  Eelmisel aastal oli ta Tinker Bell, ( Peter Pan’ist)   Yks ilusamaid kostyyme mis tal kunagi olnud oli Ja tal on neid palju….

Sel aastal Me kaunistasime oma maja esise nagu surnuaija.  Oma maja uksele panin sildi CREMATORY… Ehks siis koht kus poletatakse inimesi/loomi jne.. Must huumor. Gabriel tahtis kindlasti saad LUIGIKS super Mariost, kuid kuna me ei leidnud oiget kostyymi, siis ta otsustas et tahab taaskord olla Mees uniformis– ehk siis tuletorjuja.

Kella kolme ajal laksime yle tee sobranna Xochitli juurde paevaga algust tegema, sooma jooma ja niisama istuma. Ja siis kuue paiku laksin tagasi koju, ning Gabriel laks siis ukse tagant uksetaha Trick Or Treatima. Meie tanaval  kaunistavad maja esiseid vaid yksikud inimesed, kuid kommi jagavad  peaaegu koik. Me tanaval on umbes  70 maja, ja tavaliselt 60 avavad laste jaoks uksed… Nii et Gabriel tuli koju taitsa ilusa kommisaagiga Tore ohtu oli. Armastan halloweeni ja seda “maagiat” mis sellega kaasas kaib .

Halloweenile jargnes 2ne november ehk siis Hingedepaev. Katsime Gabrieliga REgina jaoks laua, ning panime lauale ta lemmik snackid ja joogid , ning jatsime kyynal ooks vaasi polema. . Midagi uut.. Kurb oli, vaga kurb ..

 

NII, Kui ma eelmine kord kirjutasin, et sain lopuks USA kodanikuks, siis  nyyd sain oma ilusa SINISE elektroonilise passi ka katte Ja passi pilt on mul suure naeratusega tehtud…. irv.  Tegelikult taitsa uhke tunne on     Nagu ma kunagi mainisin, oleme nyyd taita ALL AMERICAN FAMILY, suur koer on vaid puudu.  Varsti teeme ka selle teo ara…  Gabriel lubas Jouluvanale kirja kirjutada et TEMA KOHE TAHAB vaga vaga koera ja ytles et treenib koera poti peale kaima, et siis ei pea tagahoovis kakat koristama …irv.. Tema ja ta kujutusvoimet…

Nick tuleb Teisipaeval koju.. Palju on raakida . Oigemini selgeks raakida. Midagi kusagil logiseb…

Midagi muud ka vahepeal:)

Kolisin  Nickiga USAsse 1998 aasta , esimesel Juunil. Ja jain.  ( Nick kolis 3 kuud varem kui meie ).

Olen kogu selle aja siin olnud Algul tavalise turisti viisaga, siis sellest viisast sai lopuks mingi legaalne INS number koos tooloaga, ja peale seda peale monda raskust saime ka oma Green Cardi katte. Ja nyyd  siis asjad nii kaugel et Olen Ameeriklane, PABERITE jargi.

Peale oma Mai synnipaeva saatsin paberid ara, siis kutsuti sormejalgi tegema ja 9/11/2009 oli mul siis see kurikuulus Intervjuu, millega sain ma vaga hasti hakkama   Yks lihtsamaid eksameid mu elus

JA . KUi intervjuu labitud, laksin koju ja ootasin. Ootasin kuni 28nda Oktoobrini.

28nda Oktoobri hommikul kusagil kella 10 ajal soitsin Sobranna ja Gabrieliga Pomonasse, ( LA county Fairgrounds, building number 4). Kohale joudsime palju varem, nagu mulle kombeks on saanud. KUid ma polnud  esimene. Umbes  100 inimest olid juba jarjekorras, ja rahvast saabus muudkui juurde. Gabriel ja Beth pidid lopuks teise ukse taha minema, kuhu saadeti koik kylalised. Kuna ma olin esimeste seas, sain kohe kolmandasse ritta istuma. Istusin mingi tunnikese seal . Yhel pool umbes 60 aastane Aasia mees, ja teisel pool 40 aastane Mehhiklanna. Toolid olid  ebamugavad ja vaikesed. aga noh, kannatame ara.

LOPUKS siis , kusagil yhe ajal loodi selle advokaadi vasaraga 3 korda lauale, ja   tseremoonia vois alata.

15 minutit juttu, vandeid,  videoid ja siis saalist valja ning meile anti katte “Certificates”. Tana hakkan siis passi taotlema. Lahen Costcosse, teen passi pildid, siis postkontorisse USA passi taotlust sisse andma..

Eesti passi minu kaest ara ei voetud.. ( NICKI voeti hiina pass ara). Mis tahendab seda, et tulevikus  on taitsa lootust selleks et EESTI ja USA vahel   solmitakse dual Citizenship leping.. Eks nais.:)

Nyyd oleme jah se peaaegu ALL AMERICAN FAMILY… Koer on vaid puudu…

Regina surmast on moodas kuu.  Aeg on lainud tegelikult vaga kiiresti. Voibolla ka selleparast, et me oleme alati midagi teinud. KUigi paevad tunduvad PIKEMAD, ja vahel istun DIIVANIL kaed ryppes, et NO MIS MA SIIS nyyd tegema hakkan, pole aega.

Koristan, opetan Gabriel, kooli, koju, tuttavatega jalutamas, jousaalid, ohtusoogid, hommikusoogid, rohkem koristamist, pesu pesemised, porandate kyyrimised.. REgina asjade sorteerimised ( mis votab alati igaviku, kuna iga asi on omamoodi special), KUID olen otsustanud vaga paljud asjad ara anda, voi siis poletada. ( Omad pohjused).

Gabriel Igatseb Reginat meist vist koige rohkem. Ikka veel, ei suuda ta magama jaada ilma et arutleb selle yle KUIDAS REginal ikka minna voib, ja kas ta ikka naeb kui me tema asjadega mangime, ja  kas ikka on voimalik et Me Reginat taaskord tulevikus yles leiame, kuna gazillion inimest sureb arvatavasti selle aja jooksul ara, ja kuidas on ikka nii ja naa.. JA ma siis vastan nii ja naa. ..

Iga paev  on meie saatjateks pisarad. Mitte kyll paevad labi, kuid kui tuleb Reginast  jutuks, voi naeme poes midagi, VOI kui keegi tuttavatest on vaga heasydamlik ja hooliv ja kasutab just neid oigeid sonu, siis  pisarad on kerged tulema..KUid  vahetevahel on ikka nii et– MONI tuleb juurde  ja yhtleb, oi kui kahju, ja nii edasi, ja mul on “SONADEST” taiesti ykskoikne tunne.  See emotsionaalne  balants on kuidagi  hairitud, kuid ma saan oma paevas taitsa hakkama:)

SUured tanud koikidele sobrannadele  ja sopradele  kes on mind nouks votnud kuulata.  JA POLE nou andnud mida teha, sest sellisel juhul void SUUNATA kedagi kuhugile suunas- et, kuule, mul on selline tuttav, kes teab midagi blahblahblah, ja kui sa kunagi  arvad et sul voib tema abi vaja minna, siis  palun helista mulle..

Ja tanud neile kes on mind endaga “oue” kutsunud. Kui aus olla, pole mul tahtmist tympsu sees istuda, ( ja enne olin paras Clubitaja…),  Oleksin hea meelega taielik coutch potato koos sobrannadega, ja ryypaks veini  kaminatule  ning sobiva muusika saatel, ning arutaks teemadel– KUI MINA VEEL NOOR OLIN …

JAh. Igatseme REgina jarele.  Autosoidul vaatan tihti tahavaatepeeglisse ja   kujutan teda seal istumas ning muusika rytmis liigutamas, voi oma DS’i voi minu iPhone’i mangimas..   Flashbakcs…

Samuti tunnen kergendust peale seda kui olen ta fotosid paar tundi vaadanud ja motisklenud iga foto juures  mis me just sel ajal tegime ja miks me arvasime et nyyd oli vaja pilti teha…

Palju on veel segaseid tundeid, kuid palju on ka selle aja jooksul selgeks saanud.   Tean et minus on palju joudu ja energiat tegeleda asjadega mis mulle/meie perele huvi pakuvad. Tean et leian taas aega oma soprade ja sobrannade jaoks, ning tean ka seda, et I TAKE NO SHIT from no one…. Karm…

Meie peretuttava Kathy kone, mille ta esitas Regina matustel.

My name is Kathy Bell. Although I live with my family only about an hour away from here in San Diego, the first time I met Regina Tan was in November 2004, in Memphis, Tennessee at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital.

Five years old at the time, Regina was sitting on a blue sofa in the Target House apartment she shared with her mom Diana and her aunt Sija. She sat coloring, so beautiful, all forehead and eyes, her head smooth and unblemished except for the curved question-mark-shaped scar above her left ear.

My ten-year old son Steven was with me. He took off his baseball cap and showed Regina his own head, covered with a baby-soft layer of newly re-grown hair, except for the bald spot exposing the question mark above his own right ear, Steven’s scar a mirror image of Regina’s.

Regina and Steven were diagnosed with the same rare brain cancer, eight months apart. Regina was recovering from her second stem cell transplant, and Steven was in Memphis for his six month post-treatment checkup.

Discovering that your child has a life-threatening disease is like being dropped along with your child into the midst of a tidal wave, your child can’t swim and the waters are so rough that no matter how strong a swimmer you are, it will never be enough for the maelstrom you find yourself in.

It was in the midst of such turmoil that I was introduced to Regina’s parents Diana and Nick, a few days after emergency surgery to remove the malignant tumor found in Regina’s brain. We had just returned from eight months in Memphis with Steven after aggressive treatment to save his life. After considering their options, Nick and Diana decided to take Regina to Memphis for the same treatment that Steven had just completed.

There is a saying at St. Jude, you arrive with one sick child and you go home with thirty five. It is impossible not to come to love those little bald heads as they battle the devastating diseases they’ve been dealt.

And so we fell in love with Regina. We “adopted” the Tans and we followed Regina from afar, through radiation and four cycles of high-dose chemotherapy, along the same paths that Steven had traveled eight months before. We prayed for smooth sailing and a successful outcome. We prayed for her return to a disease-free childhood.

Regina has been living with cancer and the shadow of cancer for over five years, more than half of her life. Still, cancer was most definitely not what Regina was about and not what I am here to talk about.

So, what was Regina about?

Regina was about birthdays. On the day that Regina turned five, she was in the hospital in Memphis getting her very first dose of chemotherapy. Her sixth birthday was spent in more pleasant surroundings at Disney World in Florida, and when she got home she had a second party with her friends at Chili’s Restaurant. On her seventh birthday, she had a Disney princess party at her house. On her eighth birthday, Regina was at Ronald McDonald House recovering from chemotherapy, but there was cake and when her blood counts recovered, she had a proper celebration with her friends at home. When Regina was nine, her princess party was wedged between cycles of chemotherapy. And Regina’s most recent birthday could only be described as a miracle, it is so clear that she wanted to spend her tenth birthday here with her family, and so she did.

Regina was about traveling. She went to Disney World in Florida courtesy of Make-A-Wish. She went to China and twice to Estonia. She went to Big Bear and Palm Springs and San Francisco.

Regina was about fun activities close to home, Disneyland and Legoland and Sea World and Build-A-Bear and the American Girl Store.

Regina was about Hollywood and show business, backstage passes and meeting celebrities, Hanna Montana and Britney Spears and Miranda Cosgrove and the American Idol contenders. Regina appeared on the big screen in the movie My Sister’s Keeper, and received her first pay check.

Regina was about fun with her friends, even though her illness kept her out of school and away for extended periods of time. Sleepovers and swimming and dress-up parties occupied her time when her health permitted. While Regina was in Memphis she looked forward to returning home and having a sleepover with her best friend Heather. Heather waited a year to start kindergarten while Regina was in Memphis so they could start together when Regina came home.

Regina was about fashion and dressing up in fancy gowns and one of her goals was to be a model. Her clothes expressed her own unique tastes and individuality, princess dresses and elegant gowns put together from whatever she could find. She wore Hanna Montana and Hello Kitty and Sleeping Beauty and Tinkerbell and anything fashionable, feminine and frilly. She had certain favorite items, the pink crocheted cap she started wearing in Memphis that finally wore out and Diana crocheted her another, the pink Sleeping Beauty poncho that I once mistakenly called a cape, the pink Disney princess dress with the cap sleeves and bow and the rows of tulle and glitter.

One of my favorite images of Regina was on her first day of kindergarten. She rocked her first day at school in a plaid skirt with matching shirt and purse, pink tights with white polka dots and appliquéd ladybug, purple Minnie Mouse sunglasses, pink Disney princess rolling backpack and the pink crochet cap, and an I’m-ready-to-take-on-the-world smile.

Regina was about fighting for the simple privilege of being alive. Hidden beneath her petite frame and feminine attire was the heart of a warrior. When she relapsed with over forty new tumors in her brain, the doctors gave her two months but she took twenty seven. Even as her treatments were failing and her tumors were growing, she continued to set goals, she wanted to grow up to be a teenager, she wanted to be a fashion model, she wanted to be a chef and cook meals for Diana.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we cannot.”

Regina is a heroine. And even though they don’t believe it, so are her parents Diana and Nick, for the way they have looked fear in the face and done the thing that every parent believes they cannot, loving their child from the womb all the way up to heaven.

My family and I prayed and hoped and visualized a different ending to Regina’s story and along with all of you who loved her, our hearts are broken.

I have no magic words of comfort to offer, only admiration and gratitude and love and faith that the memory of Regina along with the help of all the friends in your lives who love you too, it will somehow be enough to help you face the journey that now lies ahead.

From the bottom of our hearts to the tips of the stars, we love you, Regina Melody Tan. Good night, sweet princess, may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

With love,
Kathleen

Eulogy-is a speech or writing in praise of a person or thing. ( Nicki kiri, mille luges Regina matustel ette Pastor Pat.

It was a beautiful morning, the 20th of September, 2009. We opened up the curtains. We could see the winding roads on the hills in the distance. The sky was blue dotted with white clouds. We could even hear birds chirping. My wife said to me, “What a beautiful morning. I love the autumn smell. The air is so crisp and fresh.” Out of the blue, my son, Gabriel wanted to take a family photo. I have to tell you something here. My wife loves taking pictures. She blew up quite a few computer hard drives by storing too many photos. On the other hand, my son, as handsome as he is, really does not like his pictures taken. We usually have to bribe him to take pictures with us by promising him more game time or outrageous cash. But that morning, Gabriel wanted to take a family picture. So we lay down by Regina’s side and took the picture. She had not been eating for 13 straight days. Five minutes after we took a couple of pictures, we heard her having a couple of short breathings. Then she left us. She left us on the second day after her 10th birthday. Peacefully without pain. She left us knowing that we just took the last family picture. She was forever 10.
Regina Melody Tan was born on the 19th of September, 1999 in Red Bank, NJ. I remember the first time when I held her in my arms. She opened her eyes and moved her lips as if she were calling me daddy. At that moment, I grew out of boyhood into fatherhood. I made the promise to love her and to protect her forever.
She was a beautiful and smart girl. Watching her growing was a joy. I know, most fathers think that their daughters are the most beautiful and smartest girls in the whole world. I
do not disagree. Here I just want to tell you the story of her. How she fought her battle against cancer. How she became my role model.
In May 2004, she was diagnosed with malignant brain tumor. After the surgery, as soon as she opened her eyes, she told me, “Daddy, I want to become a doctor. I will not poke kids. Poking is no fun.” It made me cry and laugh. The brain surgery was just a poke to her. I cannot even look at the needle every time when I get a poke.
Right after the surgery, she got strong chemo and radiation therapies in St. Jude Children’s Hospital in Memphis. Then again in June 2007, she had her relapse. At that time, most doctors told us to give up. But we did not give up. Thanks to her mom’s determination, we found Dr. Dhall of Children’s Hospital of Los Angles. Regina had strong chemo again after surgery. She miraculously lived. In September 2008, she had another relapse. She then had another two surgeries and gamma knife radiation. As her surgeon Dr. Loudon put it, she was a trouper. She was baked, she was grilled. Yet, she was still here smiling just like a normal kid. That was amazing.
You all must wonder how the past five years were alike. That was her story.
Thanks to my wife’s love and care and the support of our friends, extended family members and even strangers, she lived a normal and happy life even for the past five years. Yes, HAPPY life. I remember when she had her first treatment, she was conscientious about her look. She would put on a hat to cover her scar when we went out. She would put on a bandanna to cover her bald head. Yet, she grew to accept her new look also thanks to her many friends and schoolmates. They never excluded her

because of her look. She was surrounded by those wonderful kids. She attended school even during her chemo sessions at CHLA as soon as her white cell counts bounced back. She seldom complained pain. She enjoyed living very much, not lying in bed complaining about suffering.
While she was losing her capability to walk, she would climb and slide the stairs by herself. One night when I came home from a business trip, I carried her upstairs to sleep. She told me, “Daddy, you do not have to wake up early tomorrow to carry me downstairs. I can slide down the stairs.” Hearing her saying that and seeing her losing her mobility made my cry. She was happy, no complaint. She accepted things without whining and found joy in doing things while she could. Even towards her final days, she told us again and again that she was happy and content with us by her side. She was THAT happy. As a matter fact, for her final two weeks, she never complained pain and she never cried. We did not see a single teardrop in her eyes. Her mom had to ask her whether she needed morphine and most of the time she even said no.
She was daddy’s girl as evident by hair style. She taught me how to play Barbie and how to play princess tea party. She would proudly tell everybody, my daddy was the best Barbie player ever. We would dress up Barbie and Ken, pretending they would get married and have many kids. She would cook so many different dishes.
Talking about cooking, it was her dream to become a baker and chef. She baked cookies. She made sandwich for her mother on Mother’s Day. Of course she put too much onion in it. She thought daddy said that onion was healthy, the more the better (Sorry, Diana).
She loved to make salad for daddy. She would cut different vegis into small pieces. It was not an easy task for a small kid. Consider this. At later times, she was losing her mobility of her right hand, she could not even use her right hand to color. Yet, she managed to make salad for daddy because daddy just came home from a business trip. Every cut took a lot of time, a lot of concentration and a lot of strength. She wanted daddy to know how much she missed daddy and how much she loved daddy.
She was also such a caring kid. She loved to take care of everybody. You know, taking care of a cancer kid is never an easy task. You woke up in the night and sometimes you barely got any sleep. It was my wife who took the lion’s share of taking care of her. One afternoon, my wife was totally worn out. She fell into sleep on the sofa. Regina just had a doctor visit and had her chemo. When she saw her mom fell into sleep, she took her own blanket off, limped from her sofa to her mom’s, and covered her mom. I noticed that she was shivering. I asked her, “Are you cold?” She said, “I am O.K. But mom is sleeping. I do not want her to catch cold.” I could not help but crying. She was such a caring person. She loved everybody. Every time when I took her out to the mall, when she had her own money for shopping, she always remembered to buy something for his little brother. She was a great big sister to Gabriel.
You might wonder how we managed to live with her cancer. It was simple. Because she was a happy regular kid, always waiting for that sleepover with her best friends, planning for her next birthday, writing Christmas wish list in the summer, and dreaming of growing up. She was really easy to be content. She did not complain. Gabriel and I
could make silly faces to make her giggle, even when she was totally bedridden. She had fun in her short life. She brought happiness in our lives. She brought happiness to many people’s lives in her path. And she taught us the most valuable lesson in life. She had the courage to fight while she could; she had the serenity to accept what she could not; and she had the wisdom to know the difference. And she lived a full and happy life.
Now she is no longer with us. But she will always be in our hearts. May you rest in peace. Let us pray that we all have the courage to change things that we can; the serenity to accept things we cannot; and the wisdom to know the difference. You, my baby girl, were my role model, are my role model, and will always be. I love you forever, ever and ever.

Aeg moodub kuidagi vaga vaga kiiresti.   Pole harjunud sellise kiirusega.  Alles oli 20 september ja nyyd juba 6 oktoober.  Igatseme ja leiname koik omamoodi, omal ajal, oma kiirusega ja omade motetega. Meil koigil on need  imelikud norkuse hetked erinevatel aegadel. Nickil kui ta telekast naeb mingit regina lemmik manguasjareklaami, minul kui ma meie lemmikpoodidest mooda jalutan voi hommikuti ylesargates markan.. DANG, ma pole harjunud selliste rahulike hommikutega..

Selle “lyhikese” aja jooksul oleme kokku puutnud paljude inimestega ja paljud on jaganud oma kurbust meiega. Kirjad, emailid, kallistused, lihtsad noogutused.  Millegi parast arvatakse ysna tihti et leinavad inimesed ei kuule sosistusi voi ei nae napuga naitamisi. KUID me naeme ja kuuleme. meie meeled on nyyd veel erksamad,.. Naeme kuuleme ja tunneme koike paremini, tugevamalt, valusamalt.

Ma tean et KOIK motlevad head kui meile midagi ytlevad ja kaasa tunnevad. KUID, kuid , alati on kuid. Kui kuuled paeva jooksul liiga palju neid “valesid” kaasatundmis avaldusi,  ei suuda ma enam positiivselt naeratada ja oelda… TOESTI VOi, REGINA On nyyd jumala “syles” paremat elu elamas, REALLY?

TOesti voi,  MIs on siis see pohjus, selgitage mulle kohe nyyd…???

ja mu lemmik. MA SAAN SUST ARU.. Alright? ytle siis mulle kuidas on MINUL oige leinata ja kuidas ma siis tegelikult ennast tunnen?

Seda rida voiks jatkata  . Kuid tunnen kuidas monel lugejal karvad kuklas pysti vihas tousevad ja nad omapai motlevad- What a ungrateful bitch….

EI ole. Olen inimene tunnetega inimene, kes on aeg ajalt ka teiste tundeid riivanud. Ja olen kindel teen seda ka tulevikus.  Kuid me koik leiname omamoodi.  Ara yrita mulle oelda et see  mis ma tunnen on vale ja ma ei peaks sellest raakima.  MA JUST PEAKSIN SELLEST KOIGEST RAAKIMA. Kui te ei soovi edaspidi mu “segaseid” ennast avastavaid bloge lugeda, te ei pea tagasi tulema

Ma tahan taaskord ennast avastada. Tahaks oma eluroomu tagasi saada ja naeratada ennast syydi tundmata.

Voibolla ma lahengi kunagi kooli. KUID nyyd pole oige aeg.

Hetkel on Nick taas Aasias tool. Gabriel ja MIna oleme siis enamvahem kahekesi. Hoopis teine  elu on hetkel. Poiste asjad, poiste mangud, poiste see ja too.  Ausalt.. pole koige hullem, kuid tunnen puudust Tydrukute  mangudest, filmidest, tunnetest , itsitamistest..

Tunnen puudust Regina kallistustest.. Ja seda ka Gabriel. Ohtuti nutab ta ysna tihti patja ja ytleb et Igatseb Regina jargi.:(  Hakkasime koos Regian vanu asju poletama, kuna see pakub gabrielile mingit rahuldust. ( vanad markmikud millest ma regina pildid valja loikasin ja albumitesse panin, etc). Gabriel joonistab ise Reginale naljakaid pilte , ja siis poletame neid koos.  Igal ohtul vaatab Gabriel aknast valja kuu ja tahtede poole ja tunneb huvi millisel tahel on Regina tana oosel.. Kuid yhes on Gabriel vaga pettunud. TA ON  vaheke pahane et mina ja Nick temast vanemad oleme…. ta on kindel et me sureme HASTI KIIRESTI ARA ja saame Reginat enne teda naha..

28 September.

28s september oli ilus paev. Omamoodi ilus. Tais segaseid tundeid, sonu millest oli raske aru saada, nouandeid mis ei kolanud kuidagi loogiliselt. KUID , see oli paev mis ei lahe mul kunagi meelest. Esmaspaeval, 28ndal Septembril  oli Regina “arasaatmine”. Voi nagu siin viimasel ajal on trendikas kutsuda- Celebration of Life.

Esmaspaeva hommikul  kiirustasin Saddleback Kirikusse fotosid ja REgina asju ara viima. Telk number 2  ootas meid avatud ustega.  Peale seda kiirustasin tagasi koju et Kypsetada kaneelirullikesi ja Regina lemmik kaneeli  suhkru rullikesi..

Kuna mul oli koik juba varakult ette ara planeeritud, siis Regina surma jargne nadal oli vaga sujuv.  Mu Kallis Party Planner Risa   On minu jaoks maailma andekam inimene. Ykskoik mis ta ka ei tee, koik on PERFECT. See kord vottis ta enda peale Matuseprogrammid, Regina fotoga margid ja kirikutelgi kaunistamise.  Palju tood yhele naisele, kuid ta sai koigega hakkama. Muidugi ei teinud ta seda tasuta.  KUid kuna me oleme sobrannad olnud aastaid ( oigemini 3 aastat ), sain temalt vaga toreda ale.   Samuti kypsetasid Regina sobrannade emmed ja sobrannad kypsiseid, ja  muid Regina lemmik maiustusi :):):) .

Kui me kella kahe ajal kirikusse joudsime ( laksime tund varem et kindlad olla et koik on nii nagu me tahame ), olid  koik asjad tapselt nii nagu me tahtsime. Koige suurem shokk oli tegelikult O’COnnor Mortuary ( matusebyroo) auto seal… REgina armas roosa kirst oli just autost valja tommatud ja nad olid teda valmis kiriku telki  viima..  Hingasin mitu korda sygavalt sisse ja  valja…

Umbes 2. 45 ytlesin et ok, hakkame siis asjadega pihta, sest esimesed inimesed olid juba kohal.  Lasin O’connor Meestel Regina armsa roosa kirstu avada ja CELEBRATION algas.    Pean ara mainima , et  Regina nagi vaga  , vaga, vaga ,  vaga hea valja.  Mul oli vaga raske teda vaadates uskuda, et ta pole enam meie keskel. Ta nagi valja nagu ta magaks vaga rahulikku und. Tapselt sellist nagu ta oli teinud viimased paevad …

Avatud kirstu tseremoonia jaoks panin eelnevalt kokku 20 minutise fotoshow muusikaga, mis   kordas ennast iga 20ne minuti tagant ( duh). Regina fotod synnist kuni Surmani.. SObrannadega, tuttavatega,  meiega..jne.

Kell 4.05   andsin O’Connor Meestele marku, et on aeg kirst kinni panna ja alustada siis ametliku osaga. Meie jaoks oli see viimane kord Reginat naha. VAGA raske hetk .   Saan aru miks moned “psyhhid”, oma kallimaid peale surma kylmkappi topivad ja  neid eal aastaid hoiavad enne kui politsei selle”kuriteo” avastab….. Pisarad, pisarad, pisarad…

Vaatasin kiirelt kiriku telgis ringi.  Koht mahutab kusagil 580 inimest  ( toolid),.. Peaaegu  koik toolid olid taidetud.. vaga hea ja soe tunne  oli et nii palju inimesi tuli Reginat austama ja temaga hyvasti jatma..

Kava panin ma ka juba varakult kokku. Teadsin juba ammu mis ma tahan ja kuidas ma tahan. Meie Pastor Samuel Lewis pidi kahjuks pere  probleemide tottu Californiast Tenneseesse soitma, ja me olime selle yle vaga kurvad, KUID ta motles pingsalt selle yle , keda ta tahtis ennast  asendama.  Ta viis meid kokku yhe teise Saddleback kiriku Pastori Pat  Giraldiniga.   Vaga Hip ja  positiivne pastor. Vaga hea energiaga.

Programm oli vaga sujuv. Pastor Pat  alustas palvetusega. Peale seda  laulis Rebekah  kaks laulu – Amazing Grace ja You Rise me UP.

Peale laule Raakis mu kallis SObranna Xochitl  Reginast . MEie ja tema lapsed on sobrannad/sobrad olnud  8 aastat…

Regina Sobranna Heatheri kone luges ette nende pere tuttav TYra.

Kathy Bell pidas vaga inforikka ja sydamliku kone.. KUID mulle koige olulisema kone pidas Dr. Loudon.   Ta on REginat opereerinud 4 korda ja Kiiritanud korra.  Tanu temale pidas REgina vastu 5 aastat…  Ta oleks meid suutnud veel aidata, kuid seekord juba vaga jubedate tagajargedega…

JA siis.. Ja siis luges Pastor Pat  Nicki Kirja Reginast..  Kui ma kunagi koik koned tuttavatelt ka katte saan, siis  trykin need siia ara ka.  Inglise keeles kahjuks.

Peale Nicki kirja  konetpidas Pastor Pat veel yhe kone  ja palve , ning sisi oli programmi ametlik osa labi. Sujundusime valja Tuvide ohku laskimise tseremooniale ( dove release)…   Kirjutaks koigest sygavamalt, kuid olen niii , niii vasinud. Koigest. Emotsionaalselt vasinud, fyysilisetl vasinud.

Kuid minu jaoks vaga emotsionaalne kuid samas Rahu hetk saabus siis kui mu armsad Eestlannad laulsid laulu – Uinu vaikselt  mu lind, ma valvan ju sind…. Maletan et paar aastat tagasi mainisin yhele oma heale tuttavale  , et KUI Regina sureb, tahan et see laul kolaks ta matustel eesti keeles.  Leila meenutas seda mulle, ja   aitas kokku ajada Eesti laululinnud.

LAUL kolas imeilusalt.  Ma laulsin seda laulu Reginale igal ohtul enne magamaminekut, ja Regina teadis selle laulu sonu eesti keeles, ning vahetevahel laulis ta minuga seda kaasa…. (()))

Eile oli Regina tuhastamine.. Taaskord vaga emotsionaalne paev. Tana ( kolmapaeval) , saime  lopuks ka REgina tuha katte ja toime ta koju, ning jatame ta koju. 

Ma tahan tanada koiki  tulijaid, olijaid, kaasamotlejaid,  nouandjaid, vihkajaid, armastajaid.. Tahan tanada et olete olemas olnud ja  aidanud mul areneda , kohaneda… Elada , ning armastada…

Me igatseme Reginat vaga vaga vaga  vaga taga.  Ei lahe mooda hetkegi kui me temast ei motle.  Vaga raske on. Kuid ma tean et me saame hakkama…